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MidReal Story
Disillusioned Hearts
Scenario:I am disappointed by the world.
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Emily Hart
pale skin, black trench coat, black boots
Sarah Jennings
freckled face, casual blue jeans, white t-shirt
Mark Sullivan
messy hairstyle, tall, casual shirt, jeans, blue
I am so disappointed by the world.
I am so disappointed by the people in it.
I am so disappointed by myself.
I am so disappointed by the fact that I’m disappointed.
It’s a never-ending cycle of disappointment and I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of being let down, sick of being lied to, sick of being hurt, and most of all, I’m sick of being me.
I’m sick of being the one who cares too much, who feels too much, who gives too much.
I’m sick of being the one who can’t just turn off her brain and go with the flow.
I’m sick of being the one who can’t just be happy with what she has and not want more.
I’m sick of being the one who can’t just accept that this is how things are and there’s nothing she can do to change them.
I’m sick of being me, but I don’t know how to be anyone else.
I hate that I can’t make myself care about anything.
I hate that I can’t find the motivation to do anything.
I hate that I can’t find any reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I hate that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life and even less of an idea how to figure it out.
I hate that I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be excited about, nothing to make me happy.
I hate that the only thing I have to look forward to is the end of the day, when I can go home and go to sleep and forget everything for a little while.
I hate that nothing makes me happy anymore.
I hate that I don’t know how to be happy anymore.
But most of all, I hate that I’m too scared to admit any of this to anyone else.
Too scared of what they’ll think and too scared of what they’ll say and too scared of what they’ll do.
Too scared of the way they’ll look at me, with pity in their eyes and judgment on their lips.
Too scared of the way it will change everything, because everything is always simpler when you keep it to yourself and make them think you’re okay, even when you’re not.
So instead, I just keep smiling and pretending like everything’s fine, even though it’s not.
I keep nodding along and laughing at all the right spots and saying all the right things, even though it’s all a lie.
I keep pushing down all my feelings and swallowing all my thoughts and pretending like there’s nothing wrong at all.
And I keep telling myself that this is normal, that everyone feels this way sometimes, that it’s not a big deal.
But deep down, I know that none of it’s true.
Deep down, I know that this is not who I am or how it’s supposed to be or what it means to be okay.
So deep down, I know that the only thing I really hate is myself.
“I’m telling you,” Mark says, his eyes lighting up with excitement, “this could be huge.I mean, it’s going to be a lot of work and there are definitely going to be some challenges, but if we can pull it off…”
I nod along as he talks, trying to pay attention even though I have no idea what he’s talking about.
I don’t know anything about marketing or startups or tech companies or whatever it is he does for a living; mostly, I just tune it out and let him talk because it makes him happy and as much as he annoys me sometimes, he’s still my best friend and I still care about him more than anyone else in the world.
“Well,” Sarah says when Mark finally stops talking long enough for her to get a word in edgewise, “it sounds like an amazing opportunity.I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.” Mark smiles at her before turning back to me.
